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Éist le mo Sc​é​al (Listen to my Story)

by Caera

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1.
If Lancelot could have loved Elaine as she did love him They wouldn’t have lived in so much pain, being tortured from within Elaine gazing at Lancelot as he looked out to Camelot each wanting more, and each could not obtain the one thing they sought If Lancelot could have loved Elaine and not Guenevere He could’ve loved openly, without shame; without distress or fear His heart would dance to hear Elaine sing or see her hand in his wedding ring He’d love his own wife, not that of the king and the whole court would be approving If Lancelot could have loved Elaine, the comforts they could’ve had A burning passion free from shame to make all their hearts glad content to live on his own plot with wife and family as his lot supporting Arthur at times, but not as the driven champion of Camelot If Lancelot could have loved Elaine with passion from his heart If his love could have been obtained and not torn him apart… But a desirous heart cannot be led to treasure what is here instead of that which it has long coveted Great alchemists never made gold from lead If Lancelot could have loved Elaine as he loved Guenevere He would have been a different man, with standards less severe A man who had less lofty goals and was content with common roles, not driven by an unsettled soul that only rarely felt whole
2.
one small drop falls from high in the sky one small tear grief and pain reappear each drop falls each then makes their way through the earth as through birth, to where the river flows... and falls....and bends....and winds carving bowls out of stone cleansing ages of dirt wearing down anything in its way one light spray joining millions of drops cleansing the air making magic everywhere it falls... and rises.... I fall...now I rise carve out the pain from my heart cleanse my ages of grief wear down fear that still lies in my way rush through my anger and pain pour into my hollow stone carry new life to an old wounded soul one small drop...
3.
1) It was never easy being a child with a heart of joy, and then hurt, sore, and wild No one understood me or anything I loved and I needed their love Chorus: Could it have been different? Could you have cared? Could I have grown up knowing someone would be there? There’re shadows all around me, so I take to flight and fly into the light of the darkest night 2) My mother chasing babies, my father ruled by fear His explosive temper often caused us tears so I’d go out in nature with the birds and trees since adults couldn’t take care of me 3) Once when I was five, someone forced me naked in the dirt I didn’t know who to run to when I was so strangely hurt I decided to go home, like I thought I should but that came to no good My father filled with fury and took it out on me being only 5, there was no where else I could flee This new attack made certain the damage dug in deep and then he left me to sleep 4) ‘Next time someone fondled me under my dress I knew not to tell; I didn’t need any more distress For years it continued; I faced it all myself I knew I couldn’t get help. 5) 21 years later my molester-cousin’s ill I figured I would wait for the tumor to kill him There was just one problem – a voice that couldn’t wait The silence had gone far too late 6) So 21 years later I finally told my mom She had still remembered that first time all along Then she told me something I had never known – I hadn’t faced it alone Both she and my father had gone out to see The mother of the teen-neighbor who first molested me They really had believed me but didn’t know what to do and never told me, and I never knew 7) Now I sometimes wonder what went through my father’s head That he’d beat his child and send her to bed then go to confront the one who’d hurt her first Which one hurt worse?
4.
A young girl can’t stop eating until her mother is thrown out and then she can’t eat a strange sensation not a feeling ‘cause there is none no hunger, no anger, no sadness, no pain, no grief (no strength for a voice to speak) Only nothing within her she gets thinner and thinner there’s not much left to her she wanted to go with her mother no one can hear her and she can’t either but inside her is a voice who says “You can’t take my body if I don’t have one” a teenage girl becomes a woman and loathes the shape of her body she wants you to see through it she wants to not weigh more than music she’s hit and she’s running she’ll outrun what she’s becoming outrun this fuller body that You can’t take if I don’t have one a young woman is dying her body can’t process food right even eating constantly she’s losing still losing weight, and losing this fight she’s losing everything, losing her life she still can’t hear the voice inside, who says: “You can’t take my body if I don’t have one” A strong will kept her going She’s been singing and writing What’s been hidden is now showing And her world’s started brightening She went seeking new choices And discovered new voices With love she can face the voice inside who says “You can’t take my body if I don’t have one”
5.
Tar anseo. Tar chugamsa. Éist le mo ghlór. Éist le mo scéal. Bhí mé ón talamh. Anois tá mé sa spéir. I bhfad ón talamh, a féachaint ar mo ghrá. Chaithím solas ar an talamh, Casaím amhráin do na mara. Leanann na tonnta mo ghlór, ag rince le mo scáil. A’ gclóiseann tú mé fos? Ar uaigneach leat mo ghlór? Tusa mo ghrá. Tusa an stór m’ amhrán. Feach anseo. Feach ormsa. Éist le mo ghlór. Éist le do ghrá. Translation: Song of the Moon Come here. Come to me. Listen to my voice. Listen to my story. I was from the earth. Now I’m in the sky. Far above the earth, looking at my love. I cast light on the earth. I sing to the seas. The waves follow my voice, as they dance with my reflection… Can you still hear me? Did you miss my voice? You, my love. You, the treasure of my song. Look here. Look at me. Listen to my voice. Listen to your love.
6.
A long time ago you were my closest friend And I wouldn’t have believed that would ever end We were like partners trying to get by In a house full of children with adults who made us cry With beatings, thrashings, groundings, and more But when they’d yell they could tear right through ya We’d fight and we’d shout but we couldn’t get out Oh poor Johnny what’ve they done to ya What made you first begin drinking as teenagers? When we were all trapped in a home – source of all danger Well the social workers decided to leave us there And the situation only got worse each year One time you nearly smashed our sister’s face Through a window when we’d been left alone in that place And I thought you were scared and hadn’t known it would break I didn’t see what was coming through ya You used to think but how much would you drink? Oh poor Johnny what has happened to ya? What made you first begin drinking as teenagers? When we were all trapped in a home – source of all danger When I was 17 they threw me out in a fight And gave you my room to make it look alright Less than one year later they threw you out too 16 years old and there was nothing we could do It was hard to find safety or a place to sleep But other unwanted kids spoke to ya You’d all spend the night trying to cope with this plight Oh poor Johnny what’ve they done to ya? Who left you out all night drinking as teenagers? Who left you without any home, source of new danger? Now it’s more than 10 years since we were thrown out Some would say that’s enough to turn your life about But you’re still out drinking almost every night What they did to you was wrong but what you’re doing isn’t right You can’t hold a job, you can’t hold a drink You can’t stay sober when your child is coming to ya It feels like each day you go further away Oh poor Johnny what has happened to ya? What makes you spend all night drinking with teenagers When you could be safe at home, free from all danger?
7.
Chorus: Can you face your own decisions that got you to where you are? When you look up do you just see clouds or can you see your star? When the night is clouded over and the road has been too long, Can you only hear the noise outside or can you hear your song? Do you ever feel creative – the urge to make something true? Can you move with inspiration as it pours itself through you? Can you feel the core inside you that is beauty, bliss, and love? Can you feel it deep within you, not just outside or above? Can you dream without repression? Can you make those dreams come true? Can you actually accomplish things that you set out to do? Can you look at what you’ve done after you know you’ve done your best? When the struggle’s finally over, can you enjoy success? Chorus Can you reach through your anger to connect with other souls? Or does fury keep you locked out from relationships and goals? Can you open up and feel your pain and still find strength to rise? Can you open up and face your fear and move beyond its lies? Do you feel many emotions? I mean more than just a few. Angry, hurt, scared, sad, and happy – no, there’s so much more to you. The deepest of the oceans skims the surface of your heart. Just remember why we all were given feelings from the start. Chorus Can you trust another person, or the universe at all? Can you lean on someone else’s strength when you’re about to fall? Can you ask for help and guidance? Can you listen when it’s there? Can you believe anyone who tells you that they care? Can you let someone love you? Feed you? Work toward dreams with you? Can you slow down and stop running when you see love coming through? Can you feel love for another, and express it when it’s true? Can you feel that love reflected from the one you gave it to? Chorus
8.
1) My graduation from high school wasn’t what it should be With my high grades, scholarships, and honors society All it was to my father was opportunity to hurt me and my mom He’d tried to stop her from coming but she came anyway So bent on hurting her he left and took me away I never got a chance to say goodbye or stay in touch with my classmates Chorus: I couldn’t win no matter what I tried And those who said they’d help had only lied And all the rivers of compassion dried, but I never cried 2) My mom he’d thrown out years ago most selfishly Now I was done with school and he was done with me I was thrown out to fend for myself out on the streets without any support I went to a friend, but feared for her so tried another Her public housing said I could not stay with my mother Lawyers, shelters, and social workers couldn’t bother – no one would help me 3) I went to my church thinking someone there would surely help me After all, I’d sung and read for them faithfully Since age 14, and weren’t they the ones who taught me God’s love for the poor But when I told them, they looked away or looked sharply at me Said “Maybe you shouldn’t talk about that here” so cruelly And that was all my support from this community that I’d given so much 4) My high school friends had a party on the beach I went to have some fun and to get some relief I met a boy who’d been thrown only two weeks before me He and his friends invited me out to a movie I stayed the night, and learned music to soothe me to sleep I tried to call my friends and tell them but they wouldn’t speak to me again 5) In the midst of this, I was still thirsting for knowledge I’d gotten scholarships to help me pay for college But didn’t pay enough to cover all my costs or live through the summer Too young for a lease also meant too young for living wage jobs To pay the bill, I had to piece together 5 jobs The lack of sleep caused seizures as I worked more hours per day than my age 6) No bed, no room, and Mom’s old couch was too small and broken I laid on a floor, on my back with my arms open Got some small sleep when my body matched my emotions and felt crucified But still some nights it was too hot and I just couldn’t sleep No a/c, no fan, and frankly no relief I’d lie there sweating and stressed ‘til time for work unless the music soothed me to sleep 7) At work I got compared to another young woman Who got thrown out because she got her belly swollen But she still got a home with the grandmother of her child to be I wasn’t pregnant, and my father didn’t know I’m gay In 11 months he threw two more kids away And never faced any consequences he just got away with everything
9.
One night in college when I could not sleep The phone rang and I was shocked to hear my father speak. “What are you doing up?” I asked surprised. He said “I’m not. Your grandmother just died.” Somebody my size who could hand down her old dresses to me I’ll have no chance to ask her which county of Ireland she was from; my father had forgotten They are looking for her will; I’m probably not in it She won’t see me graduate or get her 5x7 Will Mike miss her and how she spoiled and favored her youngest grandson? How long will my grandfather last? Will her husband and children resent me and my siblings who told our truth and stood by it? Too late to call anyone I looked to the cards I had laid down Puzzling over my beginning and end The part that I could not comprehend To begin with The Magician – a master But then end with The Fool, could be disaster. Then I saw my own heart had been lost I’d gotten by these hardships but with a high cost. Then the tears welled up and over as I cried When I first realized long ago my emotions died.
10.
Shattered 05:24
It’s a shame about the dolphin It could have been such a nice gift A pink and gray stone carving of a dolphin Brought back for me after a long trip I like dolphins ‘cause they’re gentle and playful They often represent healing But this was all demands, it was too painful And you never understood my feelings (I guess it was defective) I’d tried so hard to tell you what I was feeling Using words, songs, workshops, and more But I never could get you to start seeing I’m fragile, and I’m not your little whore So I took three stones you gave me, but loved so dearly You used them as an excuse to tear me apart And shattered them so you could see more clearly What you had done to my heart Shattered like my heart that felt shattered like your stones and felt shattered ‘til we were apart. Now the fragments are my own. The desert rose broke in three pieces I like it better now Three small roses are a lot less imposing Than one big stone and your scowl If only you could give freely And see that love is worth more Than any gift or money; you know really What you had was never yours. I’d tried so hard to tell you what I was feeling Using words, songs, workshops, and more But I never could get you to start seeing I’m fragile, and I’m not your little whore So I took three stones you gave me, but loved so dearly You used them as an excuse to tear me apart And shattered them so you could see more clearly What you had done to my heart Shattered like my heart that felt shattered like your stones and felt shattered ‘til we were apart. Now the fragments are my own. The rose rock was better guarded It didn’t lose even one piece It bounced and headed for the garden And hid there ‘til we made peace My father used to give me rose rocks But he battered me too Did my heart stay in one piece, but with the door locked And shatter when I opened it for you?
11.
Curfá: Rós, rós, ceansa ‘is fiáin; dearg, bándearg, buí nó bán Dathanna mar éiri nó luí na gréine. ‘Bhfuil easpa grá ag éinne dhuit? Tá do bhachlóige do na síóga mar milseoga do dhuine óg. Lasann spreagthacht in ár súile ‘s tosaímid damhsa dhóibh. Cosnaíonn do dhealga ár mbrúnna ‘s gcaisleáin ach ní dochar duinn iad Cuireann siad daoine uainn ach is breá linn iad. Agus nuair atá tusa faoi bhláth tá tú i do dhraíocht féin. Tugann daoine grá dhuit ‘s is cuimhin siad ort go deo. Translation: Rose, Rose (Fairy Dance) Chorus: Rose, rose, tame and wild; red, pink, yellow, or white Colors like sunrise or sunset. Does anyone not love you? Your buds are to the fairies like sweets to a young person (child) Excitement shines in our eyes and we begin dancing for them Your thorns protect our dwellings and castles but they do not harm us They drive people from them but we love them And when you are in bloom you are magic itself People love you, and they remember you forever
12.
Éire mo chroí, tá mo chroíse bronach. Éire mo chroí, tá mo chroíse ag caoineadh. Tháinig mé chugatsa ag iarraigh muintir ‘is baile Ach níl baile agam fos, ‘is níl muintir ‘am ach roinnt cairde. Agus cá bhfuil mo ghrá ghil? A’ bhfuil sí anseo? A’ bhfuil sí ann ar chor ar bith? Agus ‘bhfuil sí in ann mé a cloisteáil? A’ bhfaighfeadh muid a chéile? Tá sé breis ‘is dhá bhlian ó thosaigh mo ghrá dhuit Ach níl mé níos gaire dhuit anois ná bhí mé an t-am sin. Éire mo chroí, tá mo chroíse ag caoineadh. Éire mo chroí, tá mo chroíse ag briseadh. Translation: Ireland my love, my heart is sad. Ireland my love, my heart is crying. I came to you wanting a family and a home But I still don’t have a home, and I have no family but a few friends. And where is the love of my life? Is she here? Does she even exist? And can she hear me? Will we find each other? It’s been more than two years since I first loved you But I’m not closer to you now than I was then. Ireland my love, my heart is crying. Ireland my love, my heart is breaking.
13.
Journey 05:14
Water horses, white horses, wild horses Eacha uisce, capaill bhána, capaill fiáine In the crest of the wave, in the clouds in the sky, in my eyes as we soar so high One red and pink patch of clouds looks like a mesa or Uluru With its shadows and its cliffs that jut out into the light With its ridges, and layers, and height Towering over the desert, the stones and the shrubs that spread out to the edge of the sky Is that land below? Or a dark, dense cloud below the white, fluffy clouds close to me? A sandbar in the water through the mists, or a hole in the clouds, through the cirrus? Water patterns on sand, wind patterns on the sea, or cloud patterns in the sky below me? Is that land ahead? Looks like an island in the sky on a sea of clouds stretching to the horizon. Tracks in the snow, footprints in the sand, impressions in the clouds (or sea or land)? Ridges in the clouds, waves and ripples on the sea, rolling hills across the scenery…

about

Éist le mo Scéal (Listen to my Story) is a collection of original songs, written and arranged by Caera and performed in English and in Irish. This album shows Caera’s growth since her first albums in 2004, as a songwriter, composer, arranger, and harper. It features songs about Caera’s personal experiences, including child abuse and other domestic violence, sexual assault, homelessness, family alcoholism, and other potent issues in the lives of many people. It also features songs from Caera’s spiritual side, which are not specific to any one religion, but show the strength to move through these issues and see the beauty available in life.

credits

released November 1, 2006

All songs written and composed by Caera, except ‘Drinking as Teenagers’ – tune traditional (Fighting for Strangers), lyrics and arrangement by Caera; and ‘Rós Rós’ – tune original medley or traditional tunes, lyrics and arrangement by Caera

(p) & © 2004, 2005, or 2006 Grá is Stór (ASCAP)

Michelle Herrera provides backing vocals, viola, and/or frame drum on ‘Rós Rós’ and ‘Journey’. She is a co-founder of the New England Sound Healing Research Institute – www.neshri.org

Cover art by Jane Starr Weils – www.janestarrweils.com
Caera’s harp was made by Muis Dreamsinger of Dreamsinger Harps – www.dreamsingerharps.com

All songs recorded by Rob Ignazio at Porter Square Studios and Sherwood Forest Recording Studio, except ‘One Small Drop’ and ‘Éire mo Chroí’ recorded by Chris Faris at Porter Square Studios
Produced by Caera

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Caera Seattle, Washington

From haunting Celtic lullabies, through laments of intense grief and pain, to songs of healing and hope, Caera’s music always contains an authenticity that can be hard to find in today’s music, or even in today’s world in general. Powerful soprano vocals blend with the bell-like tones of her brass-strung Gaelic harp to create music that carries people through life, dreaming or fully awake. ... more

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