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about

Of all the songs I’ve ever written, this is the one I tried to hardest to repress. I spent about a year and a half hearing it very often whenever I was half asleep, yet fighting it because I was terrified of what it might do to my career as a Celtic musician.

Eventually I took a songwriting class being taught by Ferron, someone I look up to in the field of women’s music, and I thought she might be able to help me deal with it. I learned a lot from that class, and eventually decided I wanted to get this out of my system and out into the world, and some other stuff too for that matter, rather than try to stay inside one niche in the music industry.

lyrics

1) It was never easy being a child
with a heart of joy, and then hurt, sore, and wild
No one understood me or anything I loved
and I needed their love

Chorus:
Could it have been different? Could you have cared?
Could I have grown up knowing someone would be there?
There’re shadows all around me, so I take to flight
and fly into the light of the darkest night

2) My mother chasing babies, my father ruled by fear
His explosive temper often caused us tears
so I’d go out in nature with the birds and trees
since adults couldn’t take care of me

3) Once when I was five, someone forced me naked in the dirt
I didn’t know who to run to when I was so strangely hurt
I decided to go home, like I thought I should
but that came to no good
My father filled with fury and took it out on me
being only 5, there was no where else I could flee
This new attack made certain the damage dug in deep
and then he left me to sleep

4) ‘Next time someone fondled me under my dress
I knew not to tell; I didn’t need any more distress
For years it continued; I faced it all myself
I knew I couldn’t get help.

5) 21 years later my molester-cousin’s ill
I figured I would wait for the tumor to kill him
There was just one problem – a voice that couldn’t wait
The silence had gone far too late

6) So 21 years later I finally told my mom
She had still remembered that first time all along
Then she told me something I had never known –
I hadn’t faced it alone
Both she and my father had gone out to see
The mother of the teen-neighbor who first molested me
They really had believed me but didn’t know what to do
and never told me, and I never knew

7) Now I sometimes wonder what went through my father’s head
That he’d beat his child and send her to bed
then go to confront the one who’d hurt her first
Which one hurt worse?

credits

from Éist le mo Sc​é​al (Listen to my Story), released November 1, 2006
Written, composed, and performed by Caera

license

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Caera Seattle, Washington

From haunting Celtic lullabies, through laments of intense grief and pain, to songs of healing and hope, Caera’s music always contains an authenticity that can be hard to find in today’s music, or even in today’s world in general. Powerful soprano vocals blend with the bell-like tones of her brass-strung Gaelic harp to create music that carries people through life, dreaming or fully awake. ... more

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